Never Snort Your Antibiotics

Strep, an old friend of mine, came for a visit this last week.  I was having dinner with friends, and from one moment to the next I felt that particular body ache which only means one thing, and by the time I got home I had raging chills and soon a fever of 103.  But that's not really what this story is about.

Fast forward four days:  It was nearing the end of recess and I quickly shoveled down some dry Life cereal, chased by a couple gulps of water, followed by my antibiotic.  I continued my work at my desk for perhaps five minutes, at which time, I burped.  It was a quiet burp.  But in that instant, I felt the antibiotic shoot straight up to my nose and into my right sinus cavity.

I immediately tasted and smelled the most caustic, stinging, metallic substance imaginable, and felt a searing sensation in my nose.  Truly, the horror of this situation is indescribable.  The burning continued, while an intense headache ensued.  Then my eyes began to water, and streams of clear mucus poured out my right nostril.  

I felt the right side of my face begin to swell.  I checked in the mirror and my right eye was completely bloodshot.  I blew my nose a hundred times, I gulped two glasses of water, and I sneezed and sneezed, all to no avail. 

Then the bell rang.  I still had an hour left with 24 six and seven year-olds.  My kids eyed me suspiciously but never came right out and asked what in the world was wrong.  Fortunately, I had a fairy tale DVD ready for them, so they sat and watched Chicken Little while I felt my molars go numb.

The thought never occurred to me to call and ask for help.  I guess I kept waiting for it to just go away, but it didn't.  Finally, my blessed assistant principal walked in to check on a student when she saw me, her eyed grew as wide as saucers and she told me that I looked like I had gotten punched in the eye.  I told what had happened, and she laughed, just as everyone else did that day when I told them what had happened.  Thankfully, she also volunteered to take my class for dismissal.

My friend, Pumpkin Delight, volunteered to take me to the doctor, but I stubbornly insisted on driving myself.  Fortunately, my Urgent Care experience was not one of those wait four hours to see the doctor nightmares.  He saw me right away and declared that there was nothing he could do--it just had to dissipate on its own.  However, he told me that it was not dangerous and that no damage was being done to my sinuses, eye, or respiratory system.

I still wanted to die.  

Four hours, three Advil, and two Tylenol later, the pain and burning finally ceased, though my nasal passages felt like raw hamburger.

Moral of the story?   Be extremely cautious when you take your antibiotics.   And never, ever, even if you really want to, snort them.

Need a Good Book? (2013 Edition)

I am officially the unofficial historian of my book club, and it is time for another reading list update. The titles at the top are the most recent books that we have read. Go on, take a browse. If you've read any of these, I'd love to hear your comments about them. And if you have any great recommendations, I'd love to hear them, too.

Looking for a good read? Your search has come to an end. For almost ten years I’ve been in a book club, which is something that I had always wanted to do. We meet once a month for dinner and to discuss the book of the month. It has been so much fun. I have enjoyed most of the books, some more than others. One of the best parts of the book club is that it guides me into reading things I would never choose on my own. In my pre-book club years, I was stuck in a rut, reading only a certain kind of book, which usually fell into the category of trashy supermarket novels. Now, my horizons have been expanded! I’ve rated these books on my own very exclusive 5-star scale as well as offset in red my favorite reads:

The End of Your Life Book Club****

by Will Schwalbe
An inspiring story of a dying mother, her son, and their love of books.  This book has reminded me how much I love books, too, and that I should return to being the ravenous reader that I once was.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children****

by Ransom Riggs
Sort of a historical fantasy...intriguing.

Gone Girl*****

by Gillian Flynn
What a page turner!  Just read it!

The Housekeeper and the Professor**

by Yoko Ogawa
A nice story set in Japan about...math, among other things.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?***

by Mindy Kaling
Funny, but I wanted it to be funnier.

The Silver Linings Playbook****

by Matthew Quick

Great story.  I've never hated a character as much as I hated the father in this one.

Year of Wonders*****

by Geraldine Brooks

I loved this book about the plague in an English village.  Incredibly well written.

Fifty Shades of Grey**

by EL James
Okay.  This seems to have gotten even more press than The Hunger Games, if possible.  Very interesting story, but terribly, terribly written.   I'm going go ahead and call it not just "mommy porn,"  it's all out hard core.  And tons and tons of it.  I must say it had me hot and bothered at first but then after a while I just didn't care anymore about so much sex.  Did I just say that?  Who am I anyway?  What have I done with the real Jason?

The New York Mormon Single's Halloween Dance***

by Elna Baker
This book was funny, and all of Elna's insights about Mormonism are dead on, without being disrespectful.  Very entertaining.

Bel Canto**

by Ann Patchett
Based on a true story of a hostage situation in Lima, Peru.  I had a tough time sticking with this one.  Not bad, but not my favorite either.

Change of Heart***

by Jodi Piccoult
Classic Jodi Piccoult.  I was entertained by it, but at points I thought, "Really?"

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society****

by Mary Ann Shaffer
At first I thought this book would be a real snoozefest.  I actually listened to it rather than read it, and I was completely charmed by the story and the characters and the way it was portrayed in the audiobook.  It made me want to visit Guernsey.

The Hunger Games*****

by Suzanne Collins
Do I really need to say anything here?  If you've read the book or seen the movie, you understand.  If not, just read it already!

Tommy's Tale***

by Alan Cumming
Well.  This book was interesting, and filthy, and interesting again, and depressing, and then not depressing.  Written by actor Alan Cumming.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks***
by Rebecca Skloot
The true story of a woman whose cells were taken from her illegally...and they still live on today well after her death in medical research.  Interesting and well written.

The Last Lecture**
by Randy Pausch
The Last Lecture is a collection of lectures that the author wrote and gave as he was dying of cancer.  They are touching and insightful, but I found them a tad sanctimonious at times.

The Help*****

by Katherine Stockett
This is one of the best I've read all year.  It takes place in Mississippi during the 1960's, focusing on, yes, the help, and those in charge of them.  

The Invention of Hugo Cabret****

by Brian Selznick
This is actually a childrens' novel, written at a fifth grade level.  It is a great story, with some unbelievable illustrations.  I read it to my six year old Diego, and he loved it!

A Very Private Gentleman aka The American***

by Martin Booth

This one takes place in Italy, and is the story of a man who makes highly specialized guns and ammunition used in assasinations.

Have a Little Faith****

by Mitch Albom
This is a true story about religion.  Even though I am not particularly a religious person, I found this book to be inspiring and motivating, and certainly thought provoking.

The Physik Book of Deliverance Dane****

by Katherine Howe

The setting of this novel is in modern Salem, Massachusetts, and deals with the topic of, yes, witches, from both the 1600s and modern times.  It has some great twists and turns.

A Reliable Wife****

by Robert Goolrick

This was a dark novel, but still beautifully written.  It tells the story of a wife for hire who tries to poison her husband, but then changes her mind and nurses him back to health.  All within his knowledge.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo***

Stieg Larsson

This is the first in the trilogy of The Girl, written by a Swede and set in Sweden.  The first 150 pages nearly killed me; I thought they were so boring.  The rest was really good.  I haven't read the other two books in the series, but I hear they're excellent.

Swallow the Ocean****

by Laura Flynn

The story of a family whose wife and mother suffers from paranoid schizophrenia.  Having dealt with this topic in my own family, I could identify with several different parts of this book.

Push****

by Sapphire

Not a light-hearted story, but inspiring.  After unthinkable abuse, a girl named Precious finally escapes and begins to make a life of her own.

The Lost Symbol*****

by Dan Brown

Dan Brown doesn't disappoint!  This one focuses on the mystery and symbolism behind the early United States government and its extensive ties with Free Masonry.  Not as good as The Da Vinci Code, not as good as Angels and Demons, but almost.

Loving Frank*****

by Nancy Horan

The story of Frank Lloyd Wright.  Focuses on his long love-affair and its tragic ending.  Excellent!

The Poisonwood Bible*****

by Barbara Kingsolver

This was my favorite book of the year.  A fascinating and well-written story of a Bible-thumping preacher who moves his family to Africa.  Insightful, gripping, tragic.

The Whistling Season*

by Ivan Doig

A portrayal of a family on the prairie whose mother has died and some new people come to town to help out.

(Yawn.  This book bored me to tears.)

Eat, Pray, Love****

by Elizabeth Gilbert

A newly divorced woman decides to live life to the fullest by visiting Italy, India, and Indonesia.  In the process, she discovers many things about who she really is, and how to be happy.

The Book Thief*****

By Markus Zusak

Another story of Nazi Germany...told from a different perspective.  Very well done.

Shadow of the Wind****

by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

This story of murder and suspense takes place in Spain. Artfully written.

.

Three Cups of Tea****

by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

This is the true and inspirational story of a man who dedicated his life to building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

.

The Friday Night Knitting Club****

by Kate Jacobs

Looking for a good chick book? This is it--with much commentary insight on friendships, relationships, assumptions, perspective, and lost time.

.

The Shack***

by William P. Young

Some of us approached with this with much trepidation, as it is the story of a man who spends the weekend in a shack with God. However, it had many vital life lessons and a not-so-traditional perspective on God and love that I found thought provoking.

.

Still Life with Crows***

by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

This was a good mystery involving a recurring character in these authors' novels.

The Historian ***

by Elizabeth Kostova

This was a vampire story with a more realistic, historical approach. Very interesting, and very long.

.

The Other Boleyn Girl*****

by Phillipa Gregory

Fascinating, entertaining, and historical! I avoided this book for a couple of years, but then it was chosen as a book club read, and I'm very glad.

.

What the Dead Know****

by Laura Lippman

This book is a twisty, turny mystery that will keep you guessing til the end.

.

No One Belongs Here More Than You***

by Miranda July

If you like quirky short stories, this book's for you. I do, and I liked it.

.

Water for Elephants****

by Sara Gruen

I never imagined I would love a circus story so much. But this story had it all, mystery, intrigue, passion, and murder.

.

The Tortilla Curtain***

by T.C. Boyle

This is the story of illegal Mexican immigrants living in a a dry river bed in Topanga Canyon, just a mile away from a prestigious upper scale community. This story is too close to the truth.

.

Shattered Dreams****

by Irene Spencer

Ohhh, boy. Ready for an amazing true story written by a polygamist's wife?

.

Notes from a Small Island*

by Bill Bryson

Okay, I have a confession. I ordered the wrong book for this particular month's book club, so didn't really read this one. I tried, kind of, but I couldn't get into it.

.
The Glass Castle: A Memoir ***** 
by Jeanette Walls

This book is one of the best memoirs I have read. Loved it!
.

The Barrytown Trilogy **
by Roddy Doyle

Very Irish, very funny, when you can understand it.
.
Mirror, Mirror ***
by Gregory Macguire

This author also wrote Wicked. His style is very weird, yet enjoyable.
.
A Long Way Down ****
by Nick Hornsby

A funny book about people who want to commit suicide.
.
My Sister’s Keeper ****
by Jodi Picoult

Gut wrenchingly sad, but a great story.
.
The Five People You Meet in Heaven ***
by Mitch Albom

A nice little story, but I was a bit bored.
.
The Year of Magical Thinking**
by Joan Didion

Another memoir, about grieving , I didn't love it.
.
The Memory Keeper’s Daughter ****
by Kim Edwards

Interesting story about a doctor who gives away his Down'sSyndrome baby.
.
In Cold Blood*
by Truman Capote

The true story of multiple murders.
.
The Davinci Code ***** 
by Dan Brown

Very famous book, and for good reason. If you haven't read it yet, get on board, it's exceptional.
.
Naked *****
by David Sedaris

By far the funniest book I have ever, ever read. Also a memoir.
.
The Birth of Venus ***** 
by Sarah Dunant

A captivating tale about renaissance Florence and a woman who wants to be an artist, which was unheard of at the time.
.
The Thirteenth Tale *****
by Diane Setterfield

Ohh so good! Suspenseful, interesting, "ghost" story.
If you don't read anything else on my list, read this one.
.
The Family Tree ****
by Carole Cadwalladr

A story about a dysfunctional family and depression. Very insightful.
.
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books **
by Azar Nafisi

This book was written at a post-doctorate reading level. It was very high quality, great story, but I had a difficult time understanding it.
.
The Kite Runner ****
by Kahled Hosseini

Sad historical fiction about Afghanistan. Great story.
.
Other People’s Dirt: A Housecleaner’s Curious Adventures ***
by Louise Rafkin

The title says it all. Mildly interesting and funny, but nothing remarkable.
.
Little Children *****
by Tom Perrotta

Fascinating! The movie was equally so.
.
Love in the Time of Cholera *
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Yawn. I did not join the book club to read classics. I'm sorry. Too hard to follow.
.
Breathing Lessons *****
by Anne Tyler

My most treasured author, and one of her best books. She takes the every day and turns it into something amazing.
.
The Great and Secret Show **
by Clive Barker

The most memorable book we've read, simply because of its truly bizarre nature. Science fiction.
.
The Secret Life of Bees *****
by Sue Monk Kidd

Wonderful, meaningful story.
.
The Life of Pi ***
by Yann Martel

Great story, fiction. One of my book club friends read the whole thing thinking it was true and was sooo bummed when she found out it wasn't.
.
Middlesex ****
by Jeffrey Eugenides

A riveting story about a hermaphrodite.
.
The Power of One: The Classic Novel of South Africa *
by Bruce Courtenay

This was a nice story but bored me to tears.
.
The Time Traveler’s Wife ***
by Audrey Niffenegger

Pretty good read, keep an open mind with this one.
.
The Professor and the Madman: A Tale of Murder, Insanity, and the Making of the Oxford English Dictionary **
by Simon Winchester

Interesting, but I wouldn't recommend it. The best part of this book was when we all had to form lists of our favorite words.
.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time **
by Mark Haddon

Everyone loved this book, but I just couldn't get into it. Autism is the main theme.
.
Mrs. Dalloway *
by Virginia Woolf

Bleck. Read The Hours instead. Reading Virginia Woolf is like trying to make sense out of insanity. Oh, wait. That's what it is. It did have some interesting insights about depression, though.
.
Good Omens *
by Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett

Quite humorous, but I couldn't get past its quirkiness and difficulty to understand in order to enjoy the humor.
.
Wifey **
by Judy Blume

Betcha didn't know the author of Tales of a Fouth Grade Nothing and Superfudge also writes porn! Tra-aaaa-shy!

.

.

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These are outstanding non-book club books that you might consider:

.

Blackbird****

by Jennifer Lauck

A memoir about a girl's tragic childhood.  I couldn't put it down.

The God in Flight *****

by Laura Argiri

This was an amazing, beautifully crafted story that left me thinking about it for weeks to come.
.
Running With Scissors *****
by Augusten Burroughs

Hysterical! Unbelievable! Loved it!
.
Dry ****
by Augusten Burroughs

The sequel to Running With Scissors. Also very good.
.
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim ****
by David Sedaris

Same author as Naked, also quite funny.
.
Angels and Demons *****
by Dan Brown

Same author as The Davinci Code. Outstanding.
.
She’s Come Undone *****
by Wally Lamb

Very funny and touching.
.
The Lovely Bones****
by Alice Sebold

Sad but meaningful story about a murdered girl who watches her family from heaven .

.

Well? Now you have no excuse!

Why I Walk (A True Story)

"Son, I'm afraid we've got some bad news. Your mother has a nine-inch tumor in her stomach. Tests show that she has cancer in her bones and her lymph nodes, as well. Both breasts are so full of cancer that a mastectomy is pretty much pointless." My dad relayed this message over the phone in his usual this-is-important voice.
.

I stood in my tiny kitchen in our condo. Tears streamed down my face, and all I could say was, "Oh, Mommm. Oh, Momm."

.

"But we're going to get her into chemotherapy and we're very confident that the Lord will bless us and your mother will be cured. It's crucial to have a positive attitude in cases like these. We're not going to give up." His words didn't comfort me. I believed in the importance of having a positive attitude, but really? Both breasts, lymph nodes, bones, AND a nine inch tumor?!? It seemed to me that this was way beyond a positive attitude.

.

Mom's chemotherapy bought her two more years. I suppose it was a miracle in a way, because the abdominal tumor vanished, and tests revealed that she was, apparently, cancer free. But then, three months later, after coming home from the grocery store, my mother inexplicably got out of the car and crawled all the way up the driveway and into the house. This was followed by four and five hour visits to the bathroom, and gibberish. She spoke gibberish and she wrote gibberish. Before she even saw the doctor, we knew: The cancer was back, and it was in her brain.
.

This was August 1996. She didn't live to see 1997.

.

As soon as I heard of her turn for the worse, I returned to Utah, knowing that this would be the last time I saw her in a somewhat lucid state. During this trip I took on the responsibility of trying to talk her into getting up off the toilet, after hours and hours of sitting there. It seemed that it just hurt her legs too much to stand herself back up, but her life-long intense modesty dictated that we not enter the bathroom to help her. Once she finally came out of the bathroom, we sat together for hours, me talking and her listening, then trying to respond to me in a coherent fashion, all to no avail. It was gibberish, and she knew it. Finally, she just gave up and bawled and held out her arms for me to come and hug her. We cried together that day, knowing that was it. The last thing I told her was, "I'm the luckiest of all of your children; I got to spend more time with you than any of the others."

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It was a snowy night in December when I returned again. Everyone was saying that it was the end. She had stopped eating and drinking. The pain was so great that she often cried out, even with the assistance of morphine. That night all six of us kids, aged 11 to 28, my dad, my aunt, and little Amelia, gathered into her bedroom to say goodbye. We knew she was holding on until we could all be there, one last time. "Mom," I choked, "We're all here now, and we want you to know that we love you so much for the life and love that you have given us. But we know that it is time for you to go, so let go, Mom. You don't have to hold on any more, you don't need to endure this pain any longer. Let go." The little master bedroom was filled with sobbing and tears as each one of us kissed her lightly on the cheek; hugs would hurt her riddled bones too much.

.

I sat up with her late that night, dropping morphine drops into her mouth every fifteen minutes. She writhed in agony. She kept holding her hand out and staring up into the corner of the room. Finally the fatigue of the day's drive and that evening's events began to overwhelm me and I went to my bed and drifted off. My biggest regret is that I didn't pour the entire bottle of morphine into her mouth before I went to sleep.

.

I awoke with a start at 5:45 a.m. I hurried in to my mother's room. She was gone, but the pain was frozen on her face. My sobs woke the rest of the family. She was only 51.

.

The most surreal part of that morning was that, even though our mother was lying still in the bedroom down the hall, we opened our Christmas presents. But she would have wanted it that way.

---

In an ongoing effort to rid the world of this cruel disease, I am walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for a Cure in San Diego.  In order to participate, I must raise $2,300.00.  Will you help?  No donation is too small.  Thank you.

Click here to donate.

Stream of Consciousness Blogging: Spring Break!

Well, hello there!  Nice of me to join you, isn't it?  

Spring break is here and that brings some very good things.  Of course, the sun is shining, the weather is perfect (sorry mid-west) and I have some much needed downtime.  Diego is nine years old today, so the weekend was spent celebrating with a small friend party on Saturday and big family party on Sunday.  He's getting so tall.  He's getting even better looking.  He's getting in trouble at school or talking and loud behavior.  Anybody surprised?  He has also been so resistant to being courteous.  He hates to say hello to people (especially grown-ups), trying to get him to give someone a hug for a kiss is like pulling teeth, and he fronts with the general attitude of "who cares?"  ("Whatevs" is his favorite expression lately.)   Please help.

Sigh.

My MIL, Elsa, is recovering from surgery number 2,435.  This time it was a knee-replacement surgery.  She seems to be getting better, but it sure it a slow process.   The whole thing brings home to me the importance of getting exercise and living at a least a somewhat active life, and I find myself feeling very intolerant, though I think I am pretty good at masking it.  Watching my father's rapid decline and the slow decline of my in-laws has given me a prejudice against aging and  the aged that I would much rather not feel.  I want to replace it with compassion.  Please help.

Speaking of getting older, the older I get, the more I resent talking on the phone.  When my phone rings, I feel violated, intruded upon, interrupted, and annoyed.  Once I answer it I am fine, especially if it is someone like my sister or Amelia, or someone else that I love but don't get to see on a regular basis.  Why do I feel this way?  Please help.

The school year is two-thirds over and I can safely say that it has been the best year of my 20 year career as a teacher.  Why?  Let me count the ways:

1-I love my new principal.  Competent, logical, and caring, she guides the school in a way that makes me utter the word "dreamy" several times a week.  I actually think I'm in love with her.

2-I love my class.  There have been so many times this year that they have made my little teacher heart flutter and swell with pride.  Mind you, they're far from perfect.  But they make up for that in so many ways.

3-The staff at my school is friendly and drama free, and most people keep to themselves beyond that.  The last couple of years have been SO drama ridden, and this year has been a strikingly stark contrast.

4-I love my new classroom, still.

5-Even though I moved to a new location, I still have all my buddies from before.  I've been so lucky to have some really fun and awesome friends.  Even though we've dispersed, we still get together and that means a lot to me.

6-Oh, and GREAT NEWS!  This is the last year that second graders will have to take the frickin' STAR test, or any other high stakes standardized test!  HALLELUJAH!

***

We don't have any big plans for spring break.  Money's kind of tight.  That's the reason we're not going back to Italy this summer, either.  However, we will make a trip back to Zion for a sibling reunion and another trip up to Idaho to visit my dad in his facility.  I wonder if he'll still recognize us.

And one last thing:  Today is the day that the Supreme Court will review Prop. 8, and tomorrow they will look at DOMA.  I'm waiting with bated breath.

Let me leave you with this gem:

I Never Cared for Elvis

Here is a Saturday 9 that deals with two of my favorite things, Christmas and Elvis.  

Blue Christmas

1.  Do you ever suffer the blues during Christmas?

Inevitably, I do.  I think I am getting much better than I used to be during the holidays, though.  Before, I really let it influence my mood and demeanor.  Now I'm more inwardly sad.  Sad that my mother died on Christmas day.  Sad that not all of my kids are with me on Christmas.  Sad that if they were all here, there would almost certainly be conflict and contention.  Sad that I still am having trouble after 15 years reconciling the differences between how I grew up celebrating and how the family I married into celebrates.  Blah, blah, blah.  Next question!

2.  More than 18 million visitors have toured Elvis' home, Graceland.  Have you?

No, I never have, nor do I really have any interest in doing so.  There are so many other places in the world!

3.  Elvis dyed his naturally light brown locks black.  Do you dye your hair?

No, I never have.

4.  He also insisted his young girlfriend, Priscilla, dye her hair jet black.  If your lover asked you to change your hair, would you?

I suppose if he really wanted me to and I didn't think I looked terrible that way, I would give it a try.

5.  Elvis served his country at an Army base in Friedburg, Germany.  Have you ever been to Germany?

No, Germany is one of the countries in Europe that I have not yet visited.

6.  Elvis famously had an affair with Ann-Margaret during the filming of Viva Las Vegas.  Have you ever engaged in a dalliance with a coworker?

No.  I've had a couple of coworkers that I wouldn't have minded a engaging in a dalliance, though.  The trouble was, they were straight.

7.  Thinking of his movies...Elvis was, by and large, unhappy with his film career and once said, "The only thing worse than watching a bad movie in being in one."  Are you happy with the way your career is going/has gone?

Yes.  I always wanted to be a teacher, and I can't imagine what else I would want to be.  I have been teaching now for 20 years, and I have loved every one of them, even with the hills and valleys.  Although I will say that I almost hated last year.  Just on the verge of hating it.  But that really didn't have anything to do with the actual teaching process, or my students.

8.  Elvis lost the "battle of the bulge" toward the end of his life.  Are you happy with your weight?

Yes, I am.  What people always told me as a 107 pound teenage stick figure has come true.  Most of the jocks in high school no longer look like they used to, and I look much better than I did back then.

9.  As a teenager, Elvis worked as an usher at a movie theater.  What was your first job?

I worked in a school district office as a file clerk.  It was a pretty decent job, but it was incredibly boring filing utility bill stubs and vendor check duplicates all afternoon.  Later I worked at a local fast food place called Taco Amigo.  Now that was fun.

There.  I did something I never would have imagined doing, an Elvis-related post!

The One in Which Ten Paramedics and Firefighters Crowd Into My Bedroom (And Not in a Good Way)

I had just turned out the lights and gotten into bed when Giancarlo came to the side of the bed with a kiss goodnight. He said he was going to go downstairs to his dad's office and scan some things.  

Drifting to sleep, I was soon awakened by a very loud Giancarlo talking and walking up the stairs and down the hallway.  This was so unlike him to be noisy once I had gone to bed; usually he is extremely quiet and considerate.  As he entered the bedroom, I lifted my head to see him walking into our bathroom, followed close behind him by his dad.  

"Crap!  I'm in the wrong room!" he announced.  

Strange.  Giancarlo began rummaging in one of his drawers, and gave what sounded like a bottle of pills to his dad.  

He then got into bed, and his dad called, "Everything okay?"  

Giancarlo replied that everything was okay, and his dad left the room.

"Was something wrong?" I asked.

"No, but I took an Ambien and then went down to my dad's office and started talking nonsense so he brought me back upstairs."

Irritably, I answered, "Okay, well next time you take an Ambien do me a favor and get right into bed because you woke me up!"

"Okay.  Oh, no, oh no, oh noooo.  This is not good.  This is not good," he whined.

"What?"  I asked.  "What's not good?"

"Well I can't get into bed."  He fussed with the sheet.

Getting crankier, I retorted, "You're already in bed.  Just go to sleep.  You're fine."

"Okay, sorry. . . but who are all these people?  Who are all the people?" he asked.

"What people?  There are no people here.  Just go to sleep!"

"Alright.  But who are all the people?"

I made a big deal out of rolling over and repositioning.  Soon, Giancarlo's breathing evened into a light snore and I drifted off once again.

The next thing I knew, our dogs began barking loudly, signalling that someone was coming to the front door.  I looked at the clock.  11:45.  On a school night.

Then, the doorbell rang.  The doorbell at our house does not simply go ding dong.  Since my mother-in-law is nearly deaf, they installed a special doorbell.  At a volume as loud as a jet engine, it blasts DING DONG, DING DONG....DING, DING, DING DOOONNNNNGGGGGGG.  Truthfully it is enough to give anyone a coronary.  Except the deaf lady with heart problems.

"I'll get it," Giancarlo says as he sits straight up in bed.

"Oh, no you won't.  You lay back down.  I'll get it!"  Now I was really miffed.  

Just as I was pulling my t-shirt over my head, a paramedic walked in.  Then another.  Then another, and another, and another.  Then some firemen entered.  I counted ten emergency responders in all.  Hidden amongst them was my little father-in-law.

He emerged from the throng of men and I looked at him incredulously, with my eyes bulging, and hissed, "What is going on?!?"

Chuckling sheepishly, he replied, "That medication has some very dangerous side-effects, so I--"

"So you called 9-1-1?" I nearly screeched.  "He only took one Ambien!  One!  He's fine!"

At this moment, two of the responders approached me, and said, "Sir, why don't you have a seat right here?  Are you feeling okay?  Do you know where you are?"

"Of course I--no, no!  I'm not the one!  I didn't take an Ambien, it was him!"  I thrust my finger in the direction of our bed.  Sunken into the memory foam and covered by blankets, Giancarlo was scarcely visible.

They eyed me as if they were unsure if I was speaking the truth or if I really was the one talking Ambien crazy talk.

They believed me and approached Giancarlo.  "Sir?  Do you know where you are?"

Completely lucid now, Giancarlo said, "I'm in my bed."

"And what's your name?"

"Giancarlo."

"And do you know what happened?"

"I took an Ambien and didn't go to bed and started talking crazy."

"And have you been drinking?"

"Yes.  I had a glass of wine."

I had to jump in, "He had two sips of my wine and that was like four hours ago!"

"Sir?  You shouldn't mix drugs and alcohol, it can be very dangerous."

By then I had had enough.  Pushing my way through the crowd, I also brushed past my mother-in-law, who had miraculously sprinted up the stairs without a single groan, even though earlier she couldn't even get out of her chair to get her own glass of water.

I hid out in Diego's room until Los Angeles County's Finest finished up my my own room and drove their paramedic trucks, fire engines, and ladder trucks away. 

It took me two hours to fall asleep after that.  I was seething.  Why hadn't they at least given me a heads up that they had called 9-1-1?  Better yet, why didn't they at least consult with me, Giancarlo's spouse, before deciding to call?

The next night at dinner, my father-in-law offered, "I gave you a scare last night, eh?  I only wanted to ask them a question.  And they sent the paramedics anyway."

"Well, YEAH, they sent the paramedics!  If you call 9-1-1, they're going to treat it like an EMERGENCY.  That's what they DO."

And then, like that, it was over.   Not another word was said about the whole incident.

The 2012 Season of The Jason Show

The Most Important Events of 2012 on The Jason Show

1.    I transferred to a new school.  This was HUGE for me and has made a vast difference in my day-to-day work life and overall well-being. My new school is only eight minutes away from my house, the principal is out of this world fantastic, and it is lovely to not spend each day battling the dysfunction, mislaid priorities, and daily drama of my previous school. Luckily, my bestie, Pumpkin Delight, was able to transfer with me, and even luckier, she is still my next door neighbor and we're still working on the same team.  The one word that we have used to describe our new school more than any other is "dreamy".  It really is.

2.  After ten years, we returned to Italy.  Diego had never been, and Amelia was dying to go back, too, so the four of us went.  This part of the year is actually pretty well chronicled on The Jason Show in the month of August.  So you can check out the side bar and find the links, if you really want to.  All in all, our trip was bellisimo.

3.  I endured the Fluororacil 5 nightmare and came out on the other side with younger looking skin free of actinic keratoses.

4.  A group of friends and I formed a social group called "The Mixed Nuts".  We get together each month chat and laugh.  Most of us used to see each other on an almost daily basis, but we have splintered in many different directions, so getting together now monthly is always a kick.

5.  I participated for the third time in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day in San Diego in November.  This time, we served on the lunch crew rather than walking.  While we had a very meaningful and fun experience, we all agreed that we like walking better.  So next year, I'll be walking again!

6.  Diego finished the second grade and started the third.  He has become a really good reader.  His favorite thing to do is hang out with us, whatever it is that we might be doing.

7.  Amelia started her junior year at her university in San Francisco.  She recently proclaimed that she loves school so much that she just wants to keep going when she graduates, indefinitely.  She is very self driven, and while she hasn't completely decided what she is going to do with her education, it will be something in the field of human rights, politics, and perhaps international law.

7.  Hilary remained in Kentucky throughout 2012.  She is still with her boyfriend that brought her there, and as far as we can tell with the limited communication that we have had with her, she is doing okay.

8.  Daniel is now living in the Bay Area with his dad, Dennis.  Amelia gets to seem him regularly since they are so close, which makes all of us happy.  He is 4 now and is doing very well.  We got to see him and Rennen last week, which was the highlight of our holidays.

9.  I got together with four out of five of my siblings, which has not happened for a very long time, and enjoyed the feeling of spending time with them.

10.  Giancarlo and I went to Las Vegas in April, at the invitation of my buddy JLo and her posse.   Giancarlo got really sick and spent the entire weekend in the hotel room, while I got to know JLo's posse better amidst 48 hours of sheer debauchery.  

Okay, it wasn't really debauchery, but it's fun to say it was.  Well, one part really was debauchery, and that was Absinthe at Caesar's Palace.  If you find yourself in Vegas in the near future, and you like debauchery, go see Absinthe.

11.  After 40 years of not liking to take naps, I have learned to enjoy a snooze in the afternoon on the weekends.  Really, it was more like naps found me.  Along about 12:00 my head starts to feel all fuzzy and my eyes get heavy and my body just wants to lay down.

12.  I grew my hair into an afro and rode a zebra.

13.  I made kale chips.

14.  I finally had had enough with the daily plethora of wadded up napkins and tissues left around the house, so I took pictures of them and dedicated a whole wordless episode of The Jason Show to them.  Hmmph.

15.  We bought a new mattress.  We really wore the other one out.

Delusions, Part 7

Eleven months after our mother died, our dad suddenly remarried a very tall woman named Linda that few of us knew much about at all.  She moved into the house with her daughter, Tiffany, and instantly removed any sign that our mom had ever existed.  I imagine it must have been like moving into the home of a ghost, but she did not treat my four teenage brothers so well.  After a while, they sold the house we all grew up in and moved to Idaho.  Each of my brothers found somewhere else to live, except Paul, who was only 13 at the time.  He went with them to Idaho, but the home they lived in had no bedroom for him, so he lived in the very crude unfinished old basement in the same room as the washer and dryer and furnace.  A few weeks later he returned to Utah to live with a friend and his family.

At this point, the only conversations I had with Dad consisted of a) what a bad marriage Linda had been before and how abused she had been, and b) what a bad marriage it turned out he had with my mother, and c) how frigid my mother was.  The extra-religious talk disappeared altogether as Linda did her best to control him, his actions, and his mind.  All for the better, I suppose.

After about five years, they were in a terrible car accident.  Linda was rendered an invalid.  Dad walked away without a scratch.

Soon after that, Giancarlo and I had our commitment ceremony and much to my surprise, Dad rode buses and trains for 24 hours to attend.  He is deathly afraid of flying, and it was his first and only time in California.

One evening while sitting on our back patio, he told me that he was utterly relieved that Linda was hurt in that accident, because he could now live a life free of abuse.  He claimed that she had been physically and emotionally abusive to him over the years, and that he lived in fear.

Soon after that, Dad got married again.  This time he married a woman with early onset Alzheimer's named Vonna.  During his marriage to Vonna, he seemed to participate in the mainstream of the Church and he didn't say anything that seemed strange to me until Vonna's disease became more advanced, and her daughter, Nawlene, began spending more time with them.

The next round of crazy came along soon.  Apparently, Nawlene was an ex-Mormon who also happened to love herself a good conspiracy theory.  Her attention plus her ideas made Dad fall in love with her and the idea that the government and some of the leaders of the Church were behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks.   Of course, he took it to the next level.  Paranoia once again reared its ugly head and Dad became convinced that prominent leaders from both organizations had him on their radar, and that he needed to lay low, as he was somehow a threat to their violent, hidden agendas.   He called often during this time period as conversation with Vonna had become impossible, and I listened to his tales of conspiracy without much objection.  

I should have known better.

Susan G. Komen 3-Day, 2012

The Jason Show is going to take a break from the Delusions mini-series for a good old Susan G. Komen 3-Day shot in the arm.

This year, our team decided to take a break from all of the fundraising and volunteer to work on the 3-Day lunch crew.  In this capacity, we served lunch to all of the walkers and other crew out on the 60 mile route in San Diego.

This photo was supposed to be of just me.  I love those three 3-Day clowns behind me.

At first, I assumed this would be easier than walking 60 miles.  In many ways, I was wrong.  Who knew that providing lunch to nearly 3,000 people on three different days would be so difficult? First, we committed to four days instead of three, as we were required to attend some meetings and go through some training.   We also left camp each morning before the walkers, which meant we had to get up even earlier.

Do you see how the rainbow ends right on Susan's head?

Then there was all of the set up each morning at the different sites, which included unloading two 15-foot trucks and setting up the different food and hydration stations.  There was the actual serving of the food, the trash pick up, and providing walkers with anything they might need.  And of course, we did all of this with a smile and lots of enthusiasm, even when a few of the walkers let their fatigue and pain get the best of them.  Once all of the walkers had finished their lunch, we cleaned up and reloaded the trucks.  All day involved lifting and manual labor.

My favorite part of the whole process was greeting walkers with cheers, smiles, stickers, and encouragement as they made their way into the lunch area.  This also involved a lot of dancing, which is always a good time for me.

Truthfully, throughout the first day, I wondered if I was regretting crewing instead of walking.  After all was said and done, I am glad that we had the experience, but I missed the walking experience a lot.  Turns out, so did the rest of my team.

My team!  Once again, my heart swells with happiness as I think about this small group of people who made the whole experience a blast.  We have such a great time together!  The best part is all of the laughter.  I never laugh as much as I do on a 3-Day.

Together, the San Diego 3-Day participants raised nearly $6,500,000.00 for breast cancer research, prevention, and community outreach.  Together, we collectively came together for a greater good, and we all felt what it would be like to live in a world with more love, more kindness, and no more breast cancer.

This is the part where I cry like a baby.

Am I walking again next year?  OF COURSE!  I have already registered.



*Many of these photos were not taken by me; I swiped them from participants' Facebook pages.  Thanks to all of them!